Jokes

         There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank.
         A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat
         said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
         beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front
         too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned
         them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle"

         In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

         A little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are
         they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm.....they are making cakes".
         The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother "what are they are doing?" and her mother
         replies with the same response, "making cakes."
         The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother says "How do you know?" She says,
         "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

NEW!
        Gay George goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.  The doctor comes back and says, "George, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
        George is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
        The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
        sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot
        sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of
        Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
        George asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
        "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

        Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
        A: He sold his soul to Santa

        A guy sits down at a bar and has a few drinks. While chatting with the
        bartender, he notices a huge pickle jar filled with $20 bills. There must be
        thousands of dollars in the jar. He asks the bartender "What's all that money
        for?" The bartender replies "That's the challenge jar. You put in your $20,
        perform three tasks, and you can have all the money in the jar." The man, who
        is feeling pretty good at this point, asks "What are theses three tasks?" The
        bartender replies "I can't tell you until you put your $20 in." The man is reluctant
        but intrigued, and very greedy. So he puts his money in the jar and the
        bartender explains the challenge. "First, I have a bottle of jalapeno tequila. You
        have to take 10 shots in 3 minutes without making a face or a noise. Next, my
        pit-bull out back has cavity, you have to take a pair of pliers and pull his tooth.
        And finally, my 80-year-old mother lives upstairs. She hasn't had sex since I
        was born. You have to not only pleasuer her, but give her an orgasm as well."
        The man considers the challenge for a moment and decides to accept. He
        drinks the 10 shots of tequila in under 3 minutes and never even breaks a
        sweat. He rests for a moment, stands up quickly, knocking over the bar stool,
        and swaggers outside. "Hey dog! Get over here!" is all the patrons here him say
        before the sounds of barking, biting, gnashing and thrashing fill the bar from the
        backyard. 10 minutes later, the man staggers back in the bar, bloody and
        beaten but with a smile on his face. He looks at the bartender with a sheepish
        grin and says with a slur "OK, now where's the old lady with the sore tooth?!"

        A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and
        wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie.
        The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what
        to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."
        The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.
        The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air
        and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.
        Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features.
        She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly,
        "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"

        One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so
        either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."  Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
        The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or
        Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
        Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
 

Sayings of Confucious-

         Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

         Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.

         Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day.

         Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.

         Baseball all wrong - Man with four balls can't walk.

         Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

         Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

         Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

         Man who take lady on camping trip, have on intent.
 
 

English Subtitles
 

         A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong

         I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

         Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

         Gun wounds again?

         Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

         A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

         Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

         Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

         Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

         Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

         You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

         I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

         You daring lousy guy.

         Beat him out of recognizable shape!

         I have been scared shitless too much lately.

         I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

         Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

         The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

         How can you use my intestines as a gift?

         This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert floor for your aunts to eat.

         Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough
         extermination.

         Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up
         together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
 

Many uses of the word fuck:

         Apathetic
         Well who gives a fuck anyway?

        Aggressive
         Fuck you!

        Annoyed
         I got fucked at the used car lot.

        Confused
         What the fuck?

        in Denial
        I didn't fucking do it.

        Directing
         Fuck off.

        in Disbelief
         How the fuck did you do that?

        Defiant
         The fuck you can!

        Derisive
         He fucks everything up.

        in Despair
         Fucked again.

        in Difficulty
         I can't understand this fucking business.

        Dismayed
         Oh, fuck it!

        Displeased
         What the fuck is going on here?

        Greeting
         How the fuck are you?

        Ignorant
         Fucked if I know.

        indicating Incompetence
         He's all fucked up!

        in Panic
         Let's get the fuck out of here.

        Perplexed
         I know fuck all about it.

        Resigned
         Oh fuck it.

        Suspicious
         Who the fuck are you?

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